Doctor Who  The Musical Spoof
by gallifrey-gurl
Summary: Written purely for entertainment and because I was bored. The 10th Doctor meets his companions and has to save the world once again. Rated T for adult-ish themes...  It's all because of Jack


**A/N: Hey guys... So I haven't posted in a while, sorry about that... I've been buy with year 12 and stuff. Anyways. I wrote this about a year and a half ago and was meant to film it with my friends. However, I never finished writing the songs for it, so I decided to post it here. It's a satirical play that exagerates all the personalities of the 10th Doctor's era. Please don' take it seriously, but feedback it welcome :) ... And sorry if you don't like play format, I promise it won't happen again x**

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><p><strong>INT. EARTH, 2010, THE TARDIS MATERIALIZES ON AN EMPTY MELBOURNE STREET. THE DOCTOR AND ROSE STEP OUT OF THE TARDIS.<strong>

**DOCTOR**

Rose! What did I tell you about touching the controls! We have ended up in the most boring place in the UNIVERSE!

**ROSE**

I'm sorry Doctor! I really am. But I thought you were teaching me how to fly

**DOCTOR**

No Rose. Geez, talk about a dumb blonde! You've messed up the navigation.

**ROSE**

Well I'm sorry Doctor. But come on, it isn't half bad!

_The Doctor stares at Rose then slowly turns around to go back into the TARDIS. Rose looks dismayed and upset._

**CREDITS ROLL**

_The Doctor gets out the TARDIS key. Rose peers into the distance at a figure running towards them._

**ROSE**

Hey Doctor...

**DOCTOR**

_(annoyed)_

Oh what now!

**ROSE**

_(points towards the figure)_

Isn't that Jack?

**DOCTOR**

_(delighted and a little relieved)_

Why so it is!

_Under his breath._

**DOCTOR (CON'T)**

Thank God.

**ROSE**

What was that Doctor?

**DOCTOR**

Oh nothing.

_Jack is now about 20 metres away._

**DOCTOR (CON'T)**

_(speaking like a gangster)_

'Ey Jacky-lackey! How's my home-brother doin'?

**JACK**

_(Very camp)_

Oh my, well I never. It's the Doctor!

_Jack lowers voice and talks just to the Doctor._

**JACK (CON'T)**

Rose still hanging around you?

**DOCTOR**

Yup, depressing innit?

**ROSE**

Hi Jack!

**JACK**

Uh-huh, yeah, hi, whatever.

_**Jack and the Doctor sing about Rose**_

**DOCTOR**

_(sees Rose)_

Ah...

**ROSE**

Yeah I'm right here Doctor. Nice to see you too Jack.

_Jack smiles uncertainly. There is then an awkward silence._

**ROSE**

So...Jack...Umm...

**DOCTOR**

Yeah, no time for your chatter Rose.

_Addresses Jack._

**DOCTOR (CON'T)**

Rose messed up the navigation, so now we're stuck here!

**JACK**

Nah, come one Doctor! It ain't bad!

_Smiles shyly then speaks quietly._

**JACK (CON'T)**

You've got me.

**DOCTOR**

Time and place Jack... Although...

**ROSE**

_(clears throat)_

Ahem, Doctor...

**DOCTOR**

_(put back into place)_

Ah, yes. Well... now that we're stuck here... are there any aliens to fight?

**JACK**

Oh, just the usual aliens. You know...

_**The Doctor, Jack and Rose sing about aliens**_

_The song is nearly ending._

**ROSE**

Daleks!

**DOCTOR**

No Rose, there are no Daleks in this song.

**ROSE**

Doctor look!

_(points to the Dalek)_

**DOCTOR**

No. Listen Rose, you cramping our style.

**ROSE**

_(Screams)_

Dalek!

**JACK**

_(Slightly excited)_

O, M, G! A Dalek!

**DOCTOR**

Ugh a Dalek. GOD I am so over them!

_The Doctor addresses the Dalek._

**DOCTOR (CON'T)**

Look, we all know how this is going to end so can you just hurry up and die already.

_**The Doctor sings about being over the Daleks**_

**DALEK**

I do not compute. The Daleks will reign supreme once again in the Universe. I will summon the ARMY.

**DOCTOR**

_(mimicking)_

I will summon the army.

_The Doctor then looks serious._

**DOCTOR (CON'T)**

What the hell Dalek? That's not how you work. First you kill everyone, then bask in the glory, THEN you summon the army.

**JACK**

_(from behind)_

Umm, Doctor; could I try?

**DOCTOR**

_(without turning around)_

What do you mean, you want to try? These are Daleks we are talking about isn't it?

_The Doctor turns around. Jack is biting his lip and smiling shyly at the Dalek. The Doctor's and Rose's mouths fall open. Jack advances forwards towards the Dalek._

**JACK**

_(speaks shyly)_

Uh, hiya Dalek.

_Jack waves his fingers shyly at the Dalek, looking sheepish._

**JACK (CON'T)**

I've been admiring your work, destroying the world and all.

_Jack is now up close to the Dalek. He slings one leg over the Dalekanium so that is resting on one of the 'balls'._

_**Jack sings about his hidden love.**_

**JACK (CON'T)**

I've always wanted to do this.

**DALEK**

Exterminate!

_Jack falls backwards, unconscious._

**ROSE**

_(smiling and laughing)_

Ooh, that's gotta hurt! Right in the goolies!

**DOCTOR**

Now is not the time Rose.

_The Doctor smiles and looks at Rose._

**DOCTOR (CON'T)**

But that is pretty funny.

_Jack wakes up and walks backwards slowly facing the Dalek._

**JACK**

_(dismayed)_

But I love you darling. Why did you do this to me?

**DALEK**  
>I will summon the army. Together we will turn Earth into Skaro.<p>

**DOCTOR**

How the hell do you propose to do that?

**DALEK**

Umm ... The army will figure it out when they get here.

**DOCTOR**

_(slowly)_

OK.

_(normal speed)_

We'll just be inside the TARDIS. Tell us when they arrive.

_They walk back to the TARDIS when they hear a familiar voice._

**MARTHA**

_(running)_

Doctor!

**DOCTOR**

Oh crap, it's Martha! Quick into the TARDIS!

_The Doctor, Rose and Jack are too slow and Martha catches up to them._

**MARTHA**

Could you not hear me? You know, it looked to me like you were running away from me.

_The Doctor, Rose and Jack look at each other awkwardly._

**MARTHA**

Geez, you're all worse than Mickey!

**JACK**

Martha. What are you doing here? In case you haven't noticed there is a damn hot Dalek right over there. Don't get any ideas, he's mine.

**MARTHA**

O...K...

**DOCTOR**

_(pleading)_

Martha, go home. Please, I beg you!

**MARTHA**

No Doctor. I'm not going anywhere. You're all stuck with me and you can't do anything about it.

_The Doctor, Rose and Jack roll their eyes at Martha._

**DOCTOR**

_(stubbornly)_

Fine.

_The Doctor turns to the others._

**DOCTOR (CON'T)**

Can we NOW get into the TARDIS?

_Donna appears around the corner of the TARDIS._

**DONNA**

Not so fast Docky!

**JACK**

_(smiles and looks at the DOCTOR)_

Docky?

**DOCTOR**

_(Slowly, rubbing the back of his head)_

Yeah, unfortunately...

**ROSE**

_(Delighted)_

Hey it's Donna! Give us a hug!

**DONNA**

_(Looks at Rose inquisitively)_

Am I bovvered?

_Rose looks dismayed but the others smile._

_**They sing about the reunion**_

**DALEK**

Here comes the army Doctor. Do your worst.

**DOCTOR**

Well Dalek. Unfortunately I am constantly brilliant, so, I don't really know what my worst is.

**ROSE**

Woohoo! Go Doctor! Give me a D!

_Silence as everyone and the Dalek stare at Rose._

**ROSE**

_(quietly)_

Go Doctor.

_Daleks start to appear around them._

**DOCTOR**

Quick, into the TARDIS.

**MARTHA**

Me first!

**DONNA**

Am I bovvered Doctor?

**DOCTOR**

Oh, not now Donna. Into the TARDIS, come on, hurry up!

**EXT. STREET**

**INT. TARDIS**

_The Doctor sees that a Dalek has already made its way into the TARDIS._

**DOCTOR**

_(sarcastically, waving hands in the air)_

Wow you never cease to amaze me Daleks. Just tell me your stupid plan already.

**DALEK**

If it is stupid, you should already know it.

**DOCTOR**

Yes I contradicted myself, don't patronise me. Now, plan.

**DALEK**

We shall turn Earth into Skaro!

**DOCTOR**

Yeah I gathered that much. But how exactly?

**DALEK**

We will convert each human into a Dalek.

**ROSE**

_(excitedly)_

Cool! I've always wanted to levitate!

**MARTHA**

Doctor, why the HELL is she still with you?

**DOCTOR**

To be honest, I don't really know.

_**They sing about turning Earth into Skaro**_

**DALEK**

You will all come with us. You will form the first Huleks.

**DOCTOR**

What! Huleks!

**DALEK**

Human Daleks.

**ROSE**

Ooh! I like that name!

**MARTHA**

No you don't. It's the gayest name in the world! Doctor, no wonder you beat them every single time! They clearly don't have any imagination what-so-ever!

**DOCTOR**

I know right! Let's go outside. They are clearly not going to kill us so we might as well kill them. Let's go slaughter some Daleks!

_Rose claps and Jack rolls his eyes._

**MARTHA**

_(sarcastically)_

Oh, goody!

**DONNA**

Am I bovvered?

**EXT. TARDIS**

**INT. STREET**

_They are surrounded by Daleks._

**DOCTOR**

OK. Listen up Daleks! We all know how this works. You die in the end so can you all please just die now and save us the effort.

**DALEK**

You are not our leader. Daleks shall reign supreme in the universe.

**DOCTOR**

So you keep saying. So why haven't you killed us yet anyways?

**DALEK**

You will come with us to the humertor.

**DOCTOR**

Humertor? What is that? A TV game show?

**DALEK**

It is a Human Converter.

**ROSE**

Ooh, sounds exciting! Can we go please Doctor! Please?

_The others look at Rose blankly and quizzically_

**ROSE**

So that's a yes? It's a yes! YAY! I love you Doctor!

_Rose skips off after the Daleks._

**DOCTOR**

Come back Rose!

**ROSE**

Don't worry Doctor! It'll be fun!

**DOCTOR**

Come on, We better go after her.

**MARTHA**

She's a bit too annoying to go after Doctor. We are probably better off leaving her.

**JACK**

But she's going with Daleks! Why can't I do that?

**DOCTOR**

Like I said Jack, we will go after her but no funny business, OK? OK Jack?

**JACK**

Fine

**DOCTOR**

Come on everyone; you too Donna.

**DONNA**

Am I bovvered?

**EXT. STREET**

**INT. HOUSE THAT HAS BEEN MIRACULOUSLY CONVERTED INTO A MACHINE FOR CONVERTING HUMANS INTO DALEKS**

**DOCTOR**

Umm. This machine is for humans only. I'm a Timelord dumb-asses.

**DALEK**

Your machine is in that room.

_The Dalek's head swivels to the lounge room where there is a fire burning._

**DOCTOR**

(gasps)

Not in this lifetime; uh-uh

_Daleks start to push the Doctor towards the room._

**DOCTOR**

N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no, no, no. Stop.

_The Daleks stop._

**DOCTOR**

Now, that's better! I promise I'll be good in here. However, my secret weapon is out there where the others are. You can kill them first.

_**The Doctor sings: My secret weapon**_

**MARTHA**

What the hell Doctor!

**JACK**

Huh?

**ROSE**

Yay!

_Donna remains silent but raises an eyebrow._

**DOCTOR**

Yup. Kill them first. Then you can kill me. I Just want to see them die. Especially THAT one.

_The Doctor points to Martha._

**DALEK**

Whatever fits Doctor.

_(addresses Daleks)_

Take the others to be converted into Huleks.

**JACK**

_(tries to use charm)_

Daleks! Come on! You're my one true love! Please don't! Please! I love you! All of you!

_Jack stops being frantic and realizes what the Daleks mean._

**JACK (CON'T)**

Oh I see now! In that case, all of you step into my office for some Jack time!

_Jack and Daleks disappear into the room._

**DALEK**

Proceed into the room.

**ROSE**

_(happily)_

Okey-dokey!

_Rose skips into the room._

**DOCTOR**

That girl worries me. Although I think it's a bit too late for that.

**MARTHA**

_(angrily)_

I'm going to kill you Doctor!

_(The Doctor waves as Martha gets pushed into the room)_

As soon as I'm out as a Dalek –

**DOCTOR**

Hulek

**MARTHA**

- Hulek, I'll kill you!

**DOCTOR**

_(to Daleks)_

You know, I actually owe you a favour for that one!

**DALEK**

_(to Donna)_

You will proceed into the room!

**DONNA**

Am I bovvered Daleks? Seriously, am I bovvered?

**DALEK**

You will-

**DONNA**

Bovvered, face-

**DALEK**

-proceed-

**DONNA**

-bovvered, I ain't even bovvered!

**DALEK**

-into-

**DONNA**

_(mimicking) _

EXTERMINATE!

**DALEK**

_(frustrated)_

-the ROOM!

_There is a short pause of silence. The Doctor smiles, Martha lets out a scream, Rose giggles and Jack lets out a cry of joy._

**DONNA**

Am ... I ... bovvered?

**DOCTOR**

I don't think she's bothered.

_**Daleks, Donna and the Doctor sing**_

**DALEKS**

No, our plan has failed. She has uttered the secret words of champions. We shall serve before you.

**DONNA**

Uh ... Am I bovvered? Doctor, you can take it from here.

**DOCTOR**

Right on Donna! High five!

_Donna looks at him blankly._

**DOCTOR**

Oh. Yeah, right, you're not bothered. Umm, Daleks, self destruct or kill each other. Also, basically stop what you are doing to Martha.

_Martha's screams suddenly stop and she runs out of the room_

**MARTHA**

_(angrily)_

I'm so gonna kill you.

**DOCTOR**

Trust me, you've already killed me.

_(addresses Daleks)_

And now Jack please.

**JACK**

Hey! Why'd you stop? That felt good!

_The Doctor walks over to the room where Jack is and opens the door. Jack is lying on the floor with Daleks surrounding him. Jack stands up._

**JACK (CON'T)**

Hey! We were in the middle of something you know!

**MARTHA**

Ewwwww. What the hell?

**DOCTOR**

Jack. Not right now! Restrain yourself! Martha, shut up. Donna, never be bothered again. OK, let's get out of here. Oh and Daleks; just die already.

**EXT. HOUSE**

**INT. STREET**

_Daleks can be heard imploding and exploding._

_**The Doctor, Jack, Martha and Donna sing: How We Saved the World**_

**DOCTOR**

Hey wait. Where's Rose?

**JACK**

Who cares?

**MARTHA**

Yeah Doctor. Who cares? She was really annoying. Anyway, I don't think that Donna is bothered to go back to fetch her.

**DONNA**

I'm not bovvered.

_The Doctor shrugs that walks away from the house back to his TARDIS again._

**EXT. STREET**

**INT. HOUSE: ROOM WHERE ROSE IS KEPT**

**ROSE**

Hello? Doctor? Anyone? No? Oh.

_(cheerfully)_

OK!

**END CREDITS ROLL**


End file.
